Published on January 25th, 2013 | by 404

Nir Yaniv Shuts Down the Sun

Nir Yaniv

Contraptions: Time Machine

The time machine emits a flawless, continuous flow of time. In all the history of the universe, the flow was interrupted only twice. One of those times was what those poor scientists call “The Big Bang”, assuming, mistakenly, that it was the beginning of our universe, which is in fact quite older than that. The other time occurred just… now.

Contraptions: Fear Machine

Fear is contraction, the shrinking of hope, the sucking of light and life and joy and everything that is good, and everything that is bad but may one day give rise to some good.

Fear is emitted by fear machines, spread all over the universe by some unknown and long-gone culture, or maybe they’re just a natural phenomenon – that is, assuming that there is such a thing as “natural” in this obviously-artificial universe of ours. And just like it happens with electrons, emitting fear particles means that everything positive is sucked in.

Your scientists have already discovered some of the fear machines but, naturally, they could watch them only from a great, great distance. They see only the plain physicality, never guessing the machines’ true function. They gave those machines a proper name, though. They call them Black Holes.

Contraptions: Id Machine

These small, microscopic constructs can enter your bloodstream at any time. They will stay there, dormant, doing nothing in particular, until such a time that a rational decision needs to be reached. At which time they’ll suddenly expand, right there in the middle of your brain and lungs and heart and kidneys, and do their function, which is this: they will make you decide to do what you want to do.

You will find excellent excuses for doing what you wanted to do anyway. You will be sure, without any shred of doubt, that you’re doing the right, logical thing. You will be able to draw impressive flowcharts and logical statements, which will convince anyone. You, of course, won’t need any amount of convincing. Your own Ego will take care of that for you.

There is no Id machine in existence, but we work that way anyway.

Contraptions: Light Machine

Someone shut down the sun. It’s up to you to save us. Build us a machine which creates light. It shouldn’t be very big. It should be energy-efficient. It should be good for the environment. It should be yellow, so as to remind us of our old sun. It should be green, using recycled materials. It should be blue and white and red, for obvious reasons. Or maybe just blue and white? Or maybe red and white? Anyway, it should have a cross on it. Or a crescent. Or a Star of David. It should be named appropriately. It should belong to everybody, give equal light and heat to all. We here, of course, should get a bit more than the rest. And hurry, we’re freezing.

Come to think of it – don’t do it. Let’s give this job to a committee.

The Love Machine & other contraptions' Cover

The stories were first published in Nir Yaniv’s book, The Love Machine & other contraptions, which was advertized using toy robots, a video you can see here

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